just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
