Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
