Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize