new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
