I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
