im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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