um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
