She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
