When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
