my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
