She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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