I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
