i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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