so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
