Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
