i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My life is pants optional.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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