woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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