Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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