Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think my fart just growled at me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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