god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
