Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
