During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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