also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
