i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
