Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
