it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
