Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize