party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
