Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
