she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
