I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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