hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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