Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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