So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just pee around me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
