two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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