My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
