Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize