Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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