she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
