morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
