you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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