So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
