I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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