I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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