Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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