dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
