he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
