Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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