well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
