This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
