Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
