maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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