That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
