i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
