a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
